Jesus: Santa Claus for Adults?

When I was a little kid (a really little kid), I pretty much categorized the Easter Bunny, Jesus, the Tooth Fairy and Santa Claus into the same group. I mean, it makes sense:

• You can’t see them.
• They are depicted in art and storybooks.
• They bring you goodness in your life whether it be presents or blessings or money or baskets of candy.
• They generally like good more than evil.
• We ask them for things, and expect them to deliver.

Also, they seemed very related to me since…well, Santa Claus was about Christmas, and we celebrated Christmas at the church. And, the Easter Bunny was about Easter, and we celebrated that at church, too (don’t forget the huge annual Easter egg hunt – and what the hell does that have to do with Jesus’s return from death?).

Anyway,  there comes a time in every child’s life where they realize that most of these things are elaborate lies made up by our parents just to go along with the crowd or to have a little fun or to con us into “being good.” I’m not knocking that – I loved waking up on Christmas to gifts or getting a $5 for pulling my front tooth. No harm done.

What I don’t understand is why most people continue to also believe in Jesus/God all that jazz.

Let’s compare (from Wikipedia, with my comments in parentheses):

One legend associated with Santa (Jesus/God) says that he lives in the far north (heaven), in a land of perpetual snow (clouds and harp music). The American version of Santa Claus says that he lives at his house in the North Pole (just north of the Pearly Gates), while Father Christmas is often said to reside in the mountains of Korvatunturi in Lapland Province, Finland (heaven). Santa Claus lives with his wife Mrs. Claus (Abraham?), a countless number of magical elves (angels), and eight or nine flying reindeer (more angels). Another legend of Santa says that he makes a list of children throughout the world, categorizing them according to their behavior (“naughty” or “nice”) and that he delivers presents, including toys, candy (blessings, good fortune, answers to prayers, etc.), and other gifts to all of the good boys and girls in the world (Christians/believers/etc.), and sometimes coal (hell, bad fortune, depression, etc.) to the naughty children (non-believers, evil people, atheists, liberals, etc.), on the single night of Christmas Eve (Judgment Day?). He accomplishes this feat with the aid of the elves (angels, disciples, whatever) who make the toys in the workshop (heaven) and the reindeer who pull his sleigh (Holy Spirit?).^[4][5]

Okay so hopefully you got through some of my comments above that I’m being somewhat facetious. However, I’m using this to illustrate a very good point:

Beliving this religious stuff is no different than believing in Santa Claus/The Easter Bunny/The Tooth Fairy/etc.

You might say that you talk to God every day and that you feel his presence in your life and stuff, but didn’t you feel the same way as a kid on Christmas, staring at the sky and waiting for Santa to bestow your tree with a plethora of gifts? Didn’t you gradually learn that you didn’t have to be good just to please Santa…and that it was more of just a “good idea to be good” kind of thing? Didn’t you eventually see that all the kids who came from middle-to-upper-class homes generally got Christmas gifts, regardless of whether or not they were “good?” (I would argue that the worst kids often got the best gifts…which sort of points out that having spoiled children is a big problem).

Christians also argue that the Bible is their proof that God exists. I remember sitting through numerous sermons as a child while the preacher discussed how “miraculous” it was that over the course of thousands of years, the Bible was translated over and over with no errors and was the inspired word of God. How the hell do you know? Were you overseeing the translation? And did you pick the European names Mary, Joseph and Jesus for the middle-eastern characters? (No, that would be the Church of England – and the famously homosexual King James).

So no. I do not believe that Jesus was born of a virgin. If that sort of thing were to happen today, Letterman would be making jokes about her, and Planned Parenthood would send her a bag of condoms. And no, I do not believe Jesus died and rose from the dead. I do not believe in a god that sits up in heaven and monitors 6.5 billion people’s actions. And I do not believe that such a loving god would allow so much pain and torture on earth. Finally, I do not believe in hell and I certainly don’t think a good god would send his creation there.

So that is that. I’m out of the closet. Call me an atheist, agnostic, humanist, the “liberal atheist agenda,” whatever you choose. But do not assume I am a bad person because of it. (‘Cause  I’m not.)

Atheist Billboards and Such

There has been a lot of chatter on Twitter lately about atheist billboards that have been going up around the country. And since I got into a discussion about them yesterday with a friend of mine, I wanted to take some time to share my thoughts on the subject. (You all know that if it has to do with religion, I probably have some opinions.)

Here’s the deal. There are Christian billboards all over the place…at least, in most of the places I’ve lived and traveled in the US. Here are a few examples:

Now, I don’t take too much issue with the fact that these billboards are up. Yes, they are annoying and they make me snicker (I hate billboards in general – but that’s another blog post), but they don’t bother me any more than the ones for laser hair removal or low interest rates. The problem, however, is that these billboards DON’T DO A DAMN THING.

Seriously. Do you really think anyone’s ever driven by one of the signs and said, “Oh my gosh, I really want to accept Jesus as my savior and change my life!” No. I can guarantee you they haven’t. So even if the signs are put up with good intentions, the perception by non-Christian is that they are put up out of spite. The perception is that Christians need to make others feel bad about their lives in order to con them into becoming more like them. And the perception is that Christians are gratified by others joining their group and making them feel more secure in their decision to follow God.

I’m NOT saying that’s what Christians are intending with these boards; I’m simply saying that’s the PERCEPTION.

Now, on to another point. Several atheist and humanist organizations have begun putting up their own billboards to counter the Christian ones. And what has happened?! Protests, news articles, angry people screaming, defamation of property, you name it. So I’d like to know, what’s the difference in an atheist billboard and a Christian one? What gives Christians the right to put up a billboard and expect it to be respected and left alone, but not atheists?

Furthermore, what if a Muslim, Hindu or Buddhist group put up a billboard? What if, when driving down the interstate, you saw “You need to meditate today. –Siddhartha.” Or, “Please stop eating cows.–Vishnu.” I’m being somewhat humorous here, but the point remains. You can’t expect to be respected for your beliefs if you don’t respect others. And you certainly won’t change any minds by being combative and defensive.